Sunday, April 25, 2010

Jill's Journal - Entry 1: My Forgetfulness

[Pictured: Daddy, Ma, Lynda, Larry, Susan Dennis, Mark, Jill, Alan]
Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 58 years old. Like I've mentioned before, my mind and soul are more like 10 years old, but the 'o body is way up there in age! Had my birthday party at Moke & Kasey's yesterday. We have one monthly gathering at different homes and celebrate any BD's or anniversaries of everyone in the Family. Yesterday turned out to be one of our best gatherings.
M&K had BBQ, potato salad, cole slaw, baked beans, chocolate cake! They did a bang up job with everything! And the weather was so beautiful, we sat outside most of the time. Everyone kept saying isn't this a perfect day?!
It's so much fun watching the big nephews play ball and the littler nephews and nieces just playing. There was 20 of us. We ate and talked and laughed and played and... I forgot stuff, well something huge, actually. Here goes:
Those present, my niece Debra, her husband Rob, my sisters-in-law Betty and Dardon Annie, and my little brother Alan. They were very sweet, each one of them. But I must have beat myself up black and blue inside for what I did, cause I feel very sore inside today.
We're sitting there having that beautiful BD meal. I've always wanted to converse more with Deb, my precious niece, and her husband Rob, just to let them know that I care about them and am interested in their lives. First off, I ask Rob what do you do at Nasa, he tells us. It's cool what he does and I'm proud of him, and I listened really well. Second off, I asked Deb what she did at Nasa, and she told us. It's cool what she does and I'm proud of her, and I listened really well.
Okay... oh let's say maybe 5 minutes after that conversation, I turned to Deb and asked her, "Now... tell us what you do at Nasa."
My sweet niece looked at me just slightly puzzled, and then a full-blown memory came blasting back into my head, and then came the OMGosh I just asked her that! And I thought, what the heck?! Then there was panic and humiliation and terrible, negative things I whispered to myself about how stupid I was and how could I make a mistake like that, and then came the shock of it all and of course the stupid tears! I've forgotten things before, but I knew this was a very major memory mistake! Frightening, it was [Yoda, of course.]!!
Those Family members I mentioned who were present for my massive forgetfulness could not have been kinder nor more sympathetic to me, and they said they had done the same thing themselves... many times, and Jill don't worry about it, it's okay no big deal. But it was certainly a big deal to me. I couldn't believe it, just could NOT believe it!!
When I got home from Conroe, I was taking my gifts out of the bags and came upon a BD card from Alan. He does that a bunch, he'll give ya something or do something and not tell ya about it, then you just happen upon it. The BD card had a fresh banana on it and underneath it was the word "yesterday". Then there was a picture of a more ripe banana and the word "today" underneath it. Opened the card, it said, "Being one day older only matters if you're a banana." Happy Birthday! Love ya, Alan & Marlena. Ha! I thought that was very fitting.
In order to get through it, I chose to believe them saying they forget things all the time too, and much later, I chose to forgive myself. Those older in our Family worry about Alzheimer's with a capital "A", because our beautiful, oldest sister Lynda had it and passed away on October 4, 1995. She had it for a very long time, we miss her and it was so difficult to see her the way she was. I wonder if I have it now and this is the beginning of my very slow trip down to the end. I don't mind the end, I'm ready to go to heaven, it's the "down trip" that bothers me.
I feel much better now, it was one of those things that happens, ya know? I wanted to read to you the birthday cards my brothers and sisters sent/gave me. I believe God helped me by using these cards to make me feel better and not so lost....
From my sister Susan Jane, the card said: "Sister, May you greet the coming year with dreams in your heart and a smile on your face. May only good things come your way. May you have many moments that fill your days with happiness, and may you live the one, exceptional life only you were born to live." -- Sue wrote, Hope your day is filled with fun. Ask the brothers to give you a huge hug for me.
From my brother Larry and Betty, the card said: "Sister, Joy, Peace, Love... Joy for your spirit. Peace for your soul. Love for your heart. On your birthday and everyday, may these be your gifts." -- We love you, Larry & Betty.
From Moke & Kasey, the card has a brother holding tight to his little sisters hands and swinging her around, the card said: "Hold onto the wonder all around you... You'll never grow old. HAPPY BIRTHDAY." -- Get it? "Hold onto the 'wonder' & we'll never grow old." I wonder who said that? See, I feel younger already. Life would sure be a drag without our kid sister. Our prayer is that this year in your life will be the best one ever, and that we get to enjoy it with you. Love you, Sis... Moke & Kasey.
Now after that, how could I feel lost, how could I worry. We're told not to worry, ya know. I just feel loved and cared about, and I hope I do the same for everyone I love and especially to those that I don't.
--Thanks for reading my 1st Journal Page.--

Friday, April 16, 2010

I feel very old

I'm young at heart... playful, silly, I laugh a bunch, especially since I'm taking yet another drug. Been thinking maybe the right combination is finally in place.
I'm also very fun-loving, but, my body is aged somewhere around... well... way older. I hate being old! When you're old you can hardly move, and your body makes creaky noises and you moan a bunch. Every time I get out of bed or out of a chair, my movements must be planned and clearly thought out; otherwise, I could easily dislocate something or something could fall off! It's so tough being old.
I work with a guy, Bill Miller is his name. We graduated together in 1970 from good 'o Pasadena High School. We were young then, now a days, we both limp around like we're as old as the hills... which I reckon we are. We'll be 58 this year. Sheesh! OMGoodness, I just realized that he & I are only 2 years away from being in the 60 numbers... 61, 62, 63... and then, in no time we'll be in the 70 numbers!! Our lives are almost through! Where did the time go??? There's so many things I wanted to do before I died!
Like jump from an airplane! Now that's never gonna happen, because when I landed, I'd crack something for sure even while wearing a parachute. And there will be no bungee jumping because I would probably scramble the vertebra in my spine! No marathon could I run or even walk. And bike riding is out of the question because of my back and bad knees. Skating, forget that too... much breakage would occur indeed.
I was watching poor old Bill Miller walk today and he kind of moves from side-to-side when he limps. Me, I'm more of a slumped forward limper. My limp is nowhere as bad as his, thank the Lord. But, if I stand for too long or walk for too long, my herniated disk yells at me to sit the heck down!!
I really do feel so old... I was on Facebook and doing one of the many quizzes they have, and one of the questions asked what year were you born. Well darn it all, turned out I'm so old they didn't even post a year back that far!!! I was saddened.
Oooooooh, I'm old, so very old, and I don't like it one bit. Did you hear that creaking?

Young at Heart